The Gilded Age
by Wakkowarnerlover
Summary: Perry is not looking forward to his birthday. The boys believe he is struggling with a mid-life crisis and do everything they can to help him. However, there may be another reason Perry isn't happy about getting older... (THIS STORY IS PART OF A SERIES, IT WILL NOT MAKE SENSE WITHOUT READING THE PREVIOUS STORIES)
1. Chapter 1

**PLEASE NOTE: This story is part of a series, it will NOT make sense without reading the previous stories as there are many references to past stories!**

 **IF YOU CONTINUE TO READ ON, prepare to be slightly confused, but to avoid too much confusion: Perry is able to communicate with the boys and Candace via translator. Happy reading!**

"That was a really fun day, Ferb." Phineas said. "What should we build tomorrow?"

"Perhaps a stable." Ferb said.

"That could be fun." Phineas said. "We could invent a robot horse to live in the stable."

"And my cow." Ferb said.

Phineas pushed open the kitchen door and the two of them went inside.

"Wow, it's already almost one in the morning." Phineas said. "I had no idea we stayed out that long."

"It's easy to forget how much time has passed when you're playing giant pool." Ferb said.

"Ferb, that's it!" Phineas said. "Tomorrow, we should build a-"

"WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO TURN ME INTO AN ICE CUBE?" Someone yelled.

"Uh oh." Phineas said.

The boys ran upstairs and skidded to a stop in front of the upstairs bathroom door. Perry was standing in the doorframe with a towel wrapped tightly around his middle, shaking. Phineas couldn't tell whether it was more from cold or anger.

"…Everything okay, Perry?" Phineas asked slowly.

"No." Perry spat. "Your stupid sister used up ALL THE HOT WATER. I come home tired, wet, dirty and cold, and all I want is to take a nice warm shower and go to bed. Is that too much to ask? APPARENTLY SO! I NEED A FREAKING SHOWER RIGHT NOW AND I CAN'T TAKE ONE BECAUSE THE WATER'S FROM THE PLANET OF HOTH!"

"KEEP IT DOWN!" Candace shouted from her room. "I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!"

"OH, ARE YOU?" Perry snarled. "I'M TERRIBLY SORRY TO HAVE INCONVENIENCED YOU, CANDACE."

"Just try to calm down, Perry." Phineas said. "Ferb and I can look at the water tank and see if we can-"

"No, don't you two worry about it." Perry grumbled. "You're not the ones who used up all the hot water."

He stumbled over to the bedroom door.

"If you just wait a while the water will probably warm up." Phineas said.

"Don't mind me." Perry said. "I'll just go to bed dirty and freezing. Do you know who invented cold? Because I want to find them and punch them in the face. Cold sucks."

"See you in the morning, Perry." Phineas said.

"When hopefully you'll be cheerier." Ferb said under his breath.

* * *

Perry started making himself a cup of coffee.

He could hear the boys playing around in the living room. Linda and Lawrence, as far as he knew, were still asleep. It was probably safe to hang around in the kitchen for a few minutes before heading to work.

"Ferb, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Perry heard Phineas say.

No reply.

"That's a good choice, Ferb. I think I'll be an inventor. I want to invent stuff. Maybe you could help me build it."

Perry snickered. The boys were already inventors and builders. They didn't need to wait until they got older.

He pushed the button on the coffeemaker. It began to gurgle.

"Perry must be up." Phineas said. Perry heard the two boys run for the kitchen.

"Perrybear." Ferb said, sitting down at the kitchen table.

"Hey, Perry." Phineas said. "Good morning."

"Morning." Perry said. "Sorry I was so crabby last night. I haven't had a good night's sleep in a week."  
"We understand." Phineas said. "Cold showers aren't fun."  
"They're the butt." Ferb said.

"The… what?" Perry asked.

"The butt." Phineas said. "It's a new expression Ferb decided to use. It means the same thing as awful."

"Oh dear. I'm already starting to use the 'my cow' thing at work by accident. Please don't brainwash me with another random saying that no one else will understand."

"Maybe it'll get old." Phineas said. "Remember the expression hurts like fire? We only used that for a little bit."

"The only fire expression I remember is from that random video game you two were playing. When your fire monster said he wasn't afraid of fire. Which wasn't a very impressive statement because his whole body was fire in the first place."

"Oh, right." Phineas laughed. "That was the weirdest thing ever."

"It was the butt." Ferb said.

"Okay. Well, I'll see you later. I'm gonna head to work." Perry grabbed his coffee mug.

"We'll be working on our hoverboard some more." Phineas said. "Either that, or a contraption that gives you more time for things."

"Don't your snowboards already hover?" Perry asked. "I was thinking about that the last time you two said you were making a hoverboard."

"They do." Phineas said. "But they're hovering snowboards. Not hoverboards."

"All rightie then. I'll see you two when I get back."

* * *

"We need to make a plan." Pinky the Chihuahua said, sitting down in between Carrie the cat and Devon the dog.

"Um… we were already making plans." Carrie said, tentatively scooting over to make room for Pinky on the picnic bench. "Wedding plans."

"Just drop it." Darren the duck sighed. "You two have been planning your wedding for weeks now. And it's not even happening for a few months. A plan for what, Pinky?"

"Perry's birthday." Pinky said. "It's coming up soon."

"I've got a plan." Darren said. "Do nothing. You know how much he hates parties."

"That's the thing, though." Pinky said. "I'm trying to figure out what big thing we can do for him besides a party. Something he'll like."

"We can give him a lifetime supply of bamboo." Peter the panda said.

"Perry doesn't like bamboo." Devon said.

"But I do. I'll eat it when he rejects it." Peter said. "It's the perfect plan."

"We could have an intimate get-together instead of a party." Devon said. "Maybe he'd be okay with that."

"How big of an intimate get-together?" Carrie asked.

"I've got it!" Peter clapped his paws. "You know how Perry always goes to Disney for his birthday? We could-"

"Take him to Disney!" Pinky finished. "That's a great idea! Perry loves Disney!"

"Nooooo." Peter said. "We go to Disney and find Mickey Mouse, and we get him to tell Perry happy birthday."

Carrie and Devon nodded excitedly.

Pinky and Darren looked at each other.

"Um, Peter…" Pinky said. "Mickey Mouse isn't real."

Peter folded his arms. "Yes, he is."

"No, he's just a cartoon character." Pinky said. "Created by Walt Disney."

"No, he's not."  
"He is." Darren said. "He has outlines."

"So do we." Peter said.

"Don't break the fourth wall, Peter." Pinky said.

"Since this is a fanfiction, does that add an extra wall?" Devon asked. "Would that be breaking the fifth wall?"

"Stop it, you guys. We aren't questioning our existence right now. We're trying to figure out what to do for Perry. Peter, Mickey Mouse is a cartoon character. He is not real. End of story." Darren said.

"Oh, yeah?" Peter pulled out his wallet and whipped out a photo. "If he's not real, then how come I have this picture I took with him last time I was at Disney?"

"That's a guy in a costume." Darren said. "It's not REALLY Mickey Mouse."

"Well, then we'll get the guy in the costume to tell Perry happy birthday." Peter stuck the photo back in his wallet. "Or we'll just get Minnie Mouse. She's real."

Darren sighed. "Do whatever you want, Peter."

"I think the Disney thing is a great idea." Pinky said. "The boys can come, too. I'll write them and see if they can tell me what restaurants I should reserve."

"I can see if we can get a discount. My cousin works at Disney." Peter said.

"Really?" Devon asked. "What does he do?"

"He's a panda in Animal Kingdom." Peter said. "He walks around and eats bamboo and everyone looks at him all day. He gets paid in bamboo."

"Thanks for helping brainstorm, guys." Pinky said. "This is gonna be great. Perry will be so happy."

* * *

"BOYS!" Perry yelled.

Phineas and Ferb ran into the bathroom.

"What?" Phineas asked. "Did Candace use up all the hot water again?"

"Look." Perry whimpered, holding out his arm.

Both boys looked closely.

"Congratulations. You have an arm." Ferb said.

Perry pointed. "Look. It's a grey hair. I HAVE A GREY HAIR."

"Cool, how'd you get it?" Phineas said.

"You two." Perry glared at him.

Ferb laughed. Phineas looked confused.

"I'm getting old." Perry sat down on the sink counter. "I never really thought about it before now."

"Are you having your midlife crisis, Perry?" Ferb asked.

"No, I'm not… oh man. I am middle-aged. I'm having my midlife crisis. THAT MEANS I'M GETTING OLD!" Perry put his head in his hands.

Ferb patted him. "Don't worry. We'll build you a sports car."

"You're not old, Perry." Phineas said. "You're not even close to ten yet."

"I'm pretty close."

"Well, you're younger than us." Phineas said.

"Not in platypus years. In platypus years, I'm dangerously close to my fifties."

"The golden years." Ferb said.

"More like the Gilded Age. With all those problems and issues and the tin man as the industrial worker and the scarecrow as the farmer…"

"Frank L. Baum never stated that he intended for the Wizard of Oz to be an allegory for the Gilded Age." Ferb said. "Although there has been speculation that the yellow brick road is the gold standard."

"I don't want a history lesson right now. By the time my birthday rolls around…"

"We'll have you feeling back to normal again." Phineas said. "Because you're still young, Perry. You're not middle-aged. You're still a young adult."  
"We are very very young adults." Ferb said.

"I'm assuming you prefer saying that as opposed to preteen." Perry said.

"Preteen sounds weird." Ferb said.

"Then you can call me a less young adult instead of old."

"You're not old, Perry." Phineas said. "Come on, let's go do something fun. Let's start thinking about what you wanna do for your birthday."

"My birthday. Also known as the day I turn old."

"Stop it, Perry."


	2. Chapter 2

"Perry! We came up with the best ideas ever for your birthday cake!" Phineas said, running into the bedroom.

Perry was sitting on Phineas's bed, fiddling with his laptop. "Goody. My happy-getting-old-day cake."

"Stop it, Perry." Phineas sat down next to Perry. "My idea was that we could make a cake where each slice is a different kind of cake. Like one slice is chocolate with vanilla frosting, one slice is red velvet with cream cheese frosting, one slice is vanilla with chocolate frosting…"

"And my idea was a chocolate cake." Ferb said, sitting down on Perry's other side. "Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and warm chocolate inside with chocolate chips sprinkled on top."

"Chocolatey." Perry said.

"Whatchya doin'?" Phineas asked.

"Writing an email to my dad. It's been a while since I've seen him."

"When was the last time you saw him?" Phineas asked.

"I think I last saw him when I was poisoned." Perry said.

"That was fairly recent." Ferb said.

"I still miss him." Perry said. "And mom. It's kind of weird. Sometimes I get this random need to see them. Maybe it's because I didn't really have enough time with them when I was a baby. I don't know."

"Like you didn't get to nurse enough or something?" Phineas asked.

"Yeah. Something like that."

"I never nursed." Ferb said. "I drank chocolate milk from a sippy cup."

"I was bottle-fed." Perry said. "I probably nursed like twice."

"Why are we talking about this?" Phineas made a face.

"You brought it up." Perry said.

"Don't mother platypuses sweat milk for their young?" Ferb asked.

"Yeah." Perry said.

"So you drank sweat." Ferb said.

"I guess so."

"Platypuses are odd, odd creatures." Ferb said.

"How does this sound?" Perry took his hands off the keyboard. "Hi, dad. Haven't seen you in a while. Love, Perry."

"Um… it's nice." Phineas said. "Could be a little longer though."

"Hi, dad. Thanks for saving my life a couple years ago even though you almost killed me in the first place. And thanks for coming to visit me in the hospital after I was poisoned. I miss you. Love, Perry."

"World's best father-son relationship." Ferb said. "Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker come in second."

"That's what I'm saying. I need to see my parents more. So far, I barely know them. It's super annoying because for some reason, I want to go to them."

"That's kind of strange." Phineas said. "I mean, I don't feel the burning need to go visit my second cousin."

"Me neither." Perry said. "I guess I just needed my mom and dad early on and I didn't have anyone. I didn't even have…" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny novel. "…a nanny."

"Not the New Nanny book again." Phineas groaned.

"Actually, the novel's not too bad, as far as romance novels go." Perry said. "Jane and Elliot are a pretty good couple. I can see myself shipping it."

"Just stop with it." Phineas shook his head.

"I'll stop when it stops being funny." Perry tossed the novel onto Ferb's bed.

"Maybe you could invite your mom and dad to your birthday party." Phineas said. "That's what Ferb and I do."

"Actually, we don't invite them." Ferb said. "They just kind of come anyway."

"They're always there." Phineas said. "Taking pictures."

"Kind of creepy." Ferb said.

"I don't know." Perry shrugged. "I just need to see 'em. But I don't know if I want to spend my birthday with them. I think I just want you guys."

"Phineas! Ferb!" Linda called. "I need to run a few errands."

"Okay, mom." Phineas said. "See you soon."

"I need to take you with me. Candace isn't home and your dad's at work."

"Okay. We'll just get Perry's leash. Can we stay with dad in the antique store?"

"Sure. Hurry."

Phineas went into the closet to find Perry's leash.

"That's weird." Perry said. "Normally you two just stay home."  
"Convict Connie escaped from jail." Ferb said.

"She used to live in our neighborhood." Phineas said. "So now it's not safe to stay home alone. Although I'm pretty sure Ferb and I could take her."  
"Yeah, those baseball shooters you guys created are pretty intense." Perry said. "I'd hate to be on the receiving end. I'll never forget the time you saved my life with one of those."

"Hard to believe the Second Dimension happened only a couple of years ago." Phineas said.

"Only a couple of… dang." Perry closed his laptop and flopped down on the bed. "Do you realize how long it's been since I first started talking to you?"

"You are not old, Perry." Phineas said. "You're still a little platypus. You still have time."

"Unlike the puppets in that creepy clock video online." Ferb said.

"You guys have been watching those videos?" Perry asked. "I thought I told you to stay away from the weird side of the Internet."

"We thought it was a kids' show." Phineas said. "There were puppets."

"That's not a very good determining factor. Puppets are the subject of about eighty horror movies. Not to mention you got doomed by a puppet in the Second Dimension. Which was forever ago…"

"Perry…"

"I'm sorry, but every time I start thinking about time going by, I remember my future self that time he came down and he was all slow and old and fossilized…"

"Well, obviously." Ferb said.

"Yeah, but he was a lot older than you, Perry." Phineas said. "It wasn't like he was two years older. He was like, twenty years older."

"Phineas! Ferb!" Linda shouted. "Get down here!"

"Sorry!" Phineas yelled back. He snapped the leash onto Perry's collar.

Perry chewed on it.

* * *

"And three chocolate milkshakes." Lawrence said.

Ferb cleared his throat.

"Oh, of course. Terribly sorry, I meant seven." Lawrence told the Mr. Slushie Dog employee. "Thank you."

Perry was trying to back out of his collar, but it wasn't big enough.

"Cut it out, Perry." Phineas tugged on the leash. Perry gave a fake cough. "Dad, can we go play in the play place?"

"Sure thing, boys." Lawrence said. "I'll find a table."

Phineas and Ferb ran to the play place. Perry dragged behind them.

"I remember we used to play in here all the time when we were little." Phineas said, climbing into the ball pit. "It seemed so much bigger back then."

"When I was seven, I ate one of the balls from the ball pit." Ferb said.

"This is disgusting." Perry stayed at the very edge of the ball pit. "Imagine how many slimy little kids have climbed in here. There are probably thousands of germs on those balls."

"It's still fun, though." Phineas threw a ball at Ferb. "Remember when we made a bounce house, Ferb? And we had a ball pit in the bounce house?"

"What if a kid threw up in the ball pit?" Perry said. "And no one ever found it?"

"Come on, Perry." Phineas said. "You keep complaining about feeling old. Nothing makes you feel younger than playing in a ball pit."

"Once grandfather played in a ball pit with us." Ferb said. "We had to call the fire department to help him climb out because of his hip."  
"I'm not going in there." Perry said. "It's filled with little kid germs."

"Ew, children." Ferb mocked.

"Okay. But you're missing all the fun." Phineas said.

"You have to be careful not to lose your footing in a ball pit." Ferb said.

"As soon as you get in, find the bottom so you can wade through." Phineas said.

"There's a strategy to a ball pit. Learn something new every day." Perry yawned.

"Come, boys!" Lawrence called. "I found an absolutely brilliant table!"

"It's probably in the back." Phineas said quietly.

"Without a window." Ferb said.

"I love your dad." Perry said.

* * *

Doofenshmirtz's ballooninator hadn't been particularly difficult to destroy. Perry just used his pen to blow it up.

He was happy to be done with work early. He could go home and nap.

 _Go home and nap_. Man, he really was getting old. Sleep was starting to become his favorite pastime.

Perry turned down the left hallway and started toward his lair. A light shining through one of the doors caught his eye.

The light hadn't been on for a while.

Perry stopped walking and turned to knock on the door.

"Come in."

Perry opened the door. "Lowe, you're back! How are you?"

The fennec fox smiled at him from where he was sitting on one of the many couches in the room. He had multiple bandages wrapped around his chest. "Hello, Perry. I'm all right. Technically I'm supposed to wait a few weeks before coming back into work, but since my work doesn't involve rigorous movement, I figured it would be fine."

"I'm glad you're back." Perry sat down on the couch across from him, pushing a cardboard box out of the way. "How's your sister?"

"She's out." Lowe said. "They released her. She's working overtime to pay back the bank."

"That's good." Perry said. "So you've mostly been resting today?"

Lowe nodded. "I only have one patient other than you. I was going to do some cleaning, but…" He sighed. "I couldn't."

"It is kind of messy in here." Perry said.

"Haven't changed anything since I started working here." Lowe said. "It's certainly built up over the years. You seem a little tired. Are you all right?"

"Kinda." Perry said. "I'm actually glad you're in today. I think I may be hitting my mid-life crisis. And PLEASE don't say 'If you're old what does that make me'."

Lowe smiled and shook his head. "No worries. Wouldn't be right to say that anyway. My body hasn't aged yet. I have more time… after being half-dead and all. Back to you…"

Perry stopped listening. He had just realized something.

Perry had always thought of Lowe as someone who never showed emotion, and he had always assumed it was just a side effect of his incredibly calm nature.

But perhaps that wasn't the reason his eyes didn't smile when his face did. Maybe that wasn't why his laugh always sounded so empty. Maybe that wasn't why he always spoke gently and softly…

"Are you all right?" Perry asked.

Lowe stopped speaking and looked at him with surprise. "I'm sorry?"

"Are you okay?"  
After a moment, Lowe nodded slowly. "I'm all right. Thank you for asking."

"Sorry. You just seemed kind of sad."  
Lowe stared into space. "…Yes. I've been that way for a long time. But I'm all right."

"Well… you've always been there to help me." Perry said. "So… if I can help you with anything, too… I'm here. I mean, I'm not really good at analyzing minds or figuring out what effect the word Triceratops has on different people, but… if you need someone to listen…"

Lowe looked back at him. "That's very kind of you, Perry. But I don't want to put anything on you."

"I want to help if I can." Perry said.

Lowe smiled and shook his head. "…Perry… you're not faking a mid-life crisis, are you? I recall you joked about doing so when I was having trouble affording my medicine."

"Well, maybe it's not a full-blown one." Perry admitted. "But it's something."

"All right then. I'll see if I can help you out."


	3. Chapter 3

"…And I keep feeling the burning need to see my parents again. At first I thought it was because I didn't have them for very long, but now I think it's just because I want to see someone who's actually older than me and not yet fossilized. So… yep. Pretty much just scared to get old. But it's happening. I keep seeing stuff. Like this piece of fur. It's turning white. It's too old to even be grey anymore."

Lowe looked down at his notepad. "When did this start happening?"

"The day I was born. That's kind of how aging works." Perry winced. "Sorry. I think my sarcasm's become a reflex."

"What exactly scares you about getting old?"

"Well… not being able to walk around normally." Perry said. "And having joint issues. And looking like the lead in a horror film. Possibly entitled THE WALKER. I should pitch that, actually."  
"Are you afraid of running out of time?"

"Heck, no. I'm not a creepy Internet puppet. I know I still have a long way to go. I know I'm not gonna be _that_ old in a few years. I'm just joking around… mostly. Every time I have a birthday, I get one year older and… it's just weird. It feels like the years are flying by too fast. My first year in the world was a blur. I just need it to slow down…"

"What do you mean by that?" Lowe asked. "Years flying by? Is there anything else you've noticed? Anything else on your mind?"

"You think I'm keeping stuff from you?" Perry asked.

"Are you?" Lowe asked.

"No." Perry said.

Lowe gave him a strange look and put his notepad down. "Any thoughts on missed childhood opportunities? I'm assuming the agency trained you out of most of your habits early on?"

"Yeah. I kind of miss chewing on things I wasn't supposed to. I never even got to try Monogram's tap shoes."

"Do you feel you didn't get a childhood?"

"I don't know... maybe that's it. I got to see the boys have a lot of fun growing up. I pretty much had to control myself through my baby years. Worry about everything. But that's what the agency does to you, I guess." Perry smiled. "I remember when the boys were younger, and they couldn't sleep, so they carried me down to the kitchen. Lawrence was still awake. He made them buttered toast and read to them from this pig storybook. The toast was disgusting. Linda was on some kind of health kick and kept buying this bread made out of a bunch of grains you can't pronounce. Really soggy texture when you toasted it, too. I think that's why the boys have such messed-up tastebuds now and think whole grain stuff tastes good. Grew up on disgusting toast. It's funny, though. Remembering how it tasted... I kind of want some now."

"That could help." Lowe said.

"Disgusting toast?"

"Sometimes it can help to try to find things you associate with pleasant memories from when you were younger. Put yourself back in the moment." Lowe said. "A little bit of childhood comfort every so often could help you get through your worries about aging."

"So... basically try to recreate some of my Baby Perry memories?"

Lowe nodded.

"I'd like to lose a few years, but not THAT many." Perry shook his head.

"This sort of thing happens to a lot of animals, and sometimes they need to feel much younger again in order to be able to feel normal. The ability to go "back", in a way. Convincing yourself you aren't stuck going forward. I'm sure your owners can help you."

"Yeah, they probably can." Perry said.

Lowe started to cough.

"Sorry, should I be letting you rest?"

Lowe shook his head. "I'm fine. I'm normal. This is the other lung problem."

"Oh, okay. Thanks. I'll try to calm down about the aging thing and see if Death Toast helps."

"Glad I could be of help." Lowe grabbed a blanket from the floor and draped it over himself.

"Would you like a piece of toast as payment for this session?" Perry said.

"These sessions are free to all agents."

"No to the toast, then. And my offer still stands. If you need someone to talk to."

"Go enjoy your toast." Lowe said, coughing a little.

"Thank you. But I won't. Like I said, it's gross."

* * *

Perry grabbed the box of cookies that was sitting on the kitchen table and dumped a few into his hand.

"Hello, Perrybear." Ferb said. "How was work?"

"It was easy. I was just late because I was busy telling Lowe I was getting old."

"Like you do." Ferb said.

"I'm gonna need some extra cookies. Oh, by the way, Lowe says I'm just hitting my pre-mid-life crisis. Like, I don't feel like my life is half over. I just miss being a baby. It's Monogram's fault- why are you looking at me like that?"

Phineas stopped staring at Perry and turned his attention back to the metal contraption he was fastening together. "Candace was kind of saving those cookies as a present for Jeremy."

"Even better. I'll eat more. Whatchya workin' on?"

"A remote that works for every single television." Phineas said. "We were at Buford's house this morning because Candace was at Stacy's and mom and dad were both at an antique lecture and they couldn't leave us at home what with Convict Connie on the loose and all. Anyway, Buford's grandma was watching us and she didn't know how to work the TV and neither did Buford so we couldn't watch the movie we made."

"So now we shall be prepared for any situation involving a television." Ferb said.

"Awesome." Perry said.

"Did you give any more thought to what kind of cake you want for your birthday?" Phineas asked.

"Can chocolate with buttercream frosting be arranged?" Perry asked.

"Most likely." Ferb said.

"We can make a cake that's shaped like something if you want." Phineas said. "Like a teddy bear."

"Or my cow." Ferb said.

"Surprise me." Perry said.

"Don't worry. We'll plan the best birthday ever." Phineas said.

"Man." Perry bit into a cookie and slid into one of the dining chairs. "You know, Lowe's pretty messed up himself. I mean, I knew he had a hard time, but… I felt bad for going to him just to complain about getting older."

"No worries are insignificant." Phineas said. "Someone could be sad about losing a penny and someone else could be sad about fighting with their best friend, but it doesn't mean that they have to feel more or less sad than the other person."

"Please translate that Phineas into Ferb for me." Perry said.

"Don't feel guilty about being upset about something just because someone else's sadness seems worse." Ferb said.

"Good point." Perry said. "By the way, you two should write abridged and unabridged novels together."

"We should. …All right, that last screw should do it." Phineas pressed the power button on the remote.

The lights in the kitchen shut off.

So did the streetlights.

It was dark.

"That remote really is universal." Perry said.

"Dang." Phineas said. "Back to the blueprint."


	4. Chapter 4

"The lights came back on in the agency this afternoon." Perry said. "Good to see you two got the world working again."

"We figured out to push the power button again." Phineas said. "We reconfigured the remote, so it does what it's supposed to now. You look kind of angry, Perry. Are you okay?"

"Senior discount." Perry snapped. "In two years, I'll be eligible for a senior discount."

"Aw, Perry. You're not still worrying about that, are you?" Phineas asked.

"There was a flea outbreak in the agency so we all had to go and get checked for fleas." Perry flopped down on the couch. "I only had a couple, but I still had to get a flea bath from Sideblow. Stupid flea shampoo smells terrible. Before Sideblow gave the bill to Monogram, Gustav reminded him to check for a senior discount. Turns out I'm two years away from old…"

"Why do you call the groomer Sideblow?" Phineas asked.

"Why do you call your sister Candace?"

"It just sounded like one of those nicknames you give to people when you don't like them." Phineas said.

"Nope, it's just his name. I like him okay. It's Gustav I can't stand. I need to think up a good alternate name for him before I die of old age."

"Stop it, Perry." Phineas said. "Senior discounts don't mean anything. One time Ferb ordered from the senior menu at Paul Bunyan's, and he's not even close to old. Or maybe Senior just means super-experienced. Like seniors in high school."

"Speaking of, we set up a playpen for you today." Ferb said.

"Oh, yeah! We set it up in the living room." Phineas said.

Perry led the way into the living room. A small playpen sat in the center of the room. It had a red plastic fence. Inside were small buttons and toys.

Perry climbed over the fence and sat down on the soft mat that had a duck pattern. "I feel ridiculous."

"This is the playpen Ferb and I played in with you when we were little." Phineas said. "If this doesn't take you back, I don't know what will."

Perry pressed one of the buttons on the fence. _Row, Row, Row Your Boat_ began to play.

"There are also Velcro toys." Phineas said, pulling a Velcro butterfly from a fuzzy landscape that hung on the side of the fence. "One time grandpa came to visit after I was first born. He had a little bit of beard stubble, and I thought it was Velcro, so I tried to stick the butterfly on his face. I was really mad when it didn't stick and so then I found tape and taped it on him."

"You were a strange child." Perry said.

Linda entered the room. Perry quickly got down on all fours.

"Boys, what are you doing?" Linda asked.

"We're letting Perry use our old playpen." Phineas said.

"You need to move it somewhere else. I don't want a big mess in the living room."

"It's not a big mess. It's a playpen."

"It's taking up a lot of space, honey. Just find another spot to put it. Maybe in your room." Linda left the room.

"We don't have any room in our room." Phineas said.

"Room in our room." Ferb said. "In a room room room."

Perry pressed the Row, Row, Row Your Boat button again.

"Maybe Candace's room." Phineas said. "She has an empty area near her desk."

* * *

"Perry, would you cut that out?" Candace hissed. "I'm trying to sleep."

"I'm trying to prevent a mid-life crisis." Perry retorted. He continued spinning the rattle ball in his playpen.

"You're not a baby anymore. Just go to sleep."

"Gee, I'm sorry, Candace. Look at me crying about how I didn't have my parents for most of my life and barely had a chance to have a childhood while you're trying to sleep. I should really try to be more sensitive. Gosh."

"Just quit with the rattling noise!"

"Fine." Perry pressed the _Row, Row, Row Your Boat_ button.

"Why are you doing all this baby stuff, anyway?" Candace demanded.

"My shrink recommended it." Perry said.

"You see a shrink? I always knew you were cracked." Candace said.

"Pot, kettle, blah blah."

The song finished. Perry pushed the button again.

"Why'd he recommend it?" Candace asked.

"Said it would help me get over my lack of childhood. I was training at the agency pretty young. I never really experienced my little years."

"Oh." Candace said. "Well… stop playing with all the noisy stuff. Or I'll push your playpen into the hall."

"Abandonment. How cruel."

"You're ten times more annoying than you were when you couldn't talk." Candace snapped.

Perry decided to ignore her. He started the song again.

After a few rounds of _Row, Row, Row Your Boat_ , Candace spoke again.

"Why do you always sleep on my bed?"

"I'm in the playpen."

"I meant like all the times I'd wake up and find you snoring next to me. Why do you always do that? You have the boys."

"Habit." Perry said. "Got used to how comfy your bed was after doing it a few times."

"But why'd you start doing it in the first place?"

"I thought it'd make you like me."

"What?"

"When you guys first adopted me, you seemed really ticked about it." Perry said. "I wanted you to like me. I don't know why. I was stupid and little, I guess."

Candace was quiet. Perry felt a little embarrassed.

"I don't care anymore, so don't worry."

"I do like you." Candace said.

"Okay." Perry shrugged and pushed the button again.

"The boys said your birthday was coming up soon."

"Yeah. Couple weeks. Just two more and I get senior discounts on flea baths."

"That's cool."

"Um… no, it isn't. I think your brain's wacked out from fatigue. You'd better go to sleep."

"I was trying to." Candace said. "But _someone_ keeps making noise."

"Try harder." Perry started up the song again.

He played the song at least seven more times before he lay down on the mat. He tried to imagine the boys cuddling with him in the playpen years before.

The playpen was comfy. It smelled like lavender. The bunny mobile hanging above his face was strangely calming to watch.

Within moments, he was asleep.

* * *

The _Row, Row, Row Your Boat_ button wasn't functioning so well by the time morning rolled around.

Perry had woken up in the middle of the night and hadn't been able to go back to sleep, so he entertained himself by pushing the button over and over.

He wanted to be excited about his birthday. He really did. But he just couldn't.

He had to work on his birthday, for one thing. It hadn't managed to land on one of his days off this year.

Secondly, he just couldn't think of how his birthday was going to be exciting at all. The agency surprise parties were always the same. There would be cake and presents, someone would project an embarrassing video of Perry onto the wall, Peter would attempt to drink and eat more than possible for a panda his size while everyone cheered him on, Baby Ned would find some way to slip the word "butt" into the event, and then Henrietta the hippo would destroy the entire party and everyone would go home.

And Perry just really couldn't think of anyone he wanted to be with on his birthday. Pinky was too obsessed with making things perfect. Devon and Carrie were annoying together. Darren was too sarcastic. Ernest was… was he actually thinking of spending his birthday with Ernest? Man, he was tired.

Perry couldn't even feel excited with the thought of spending his birthday at home. The boys would probably sneak him out of the house, away from the little party the entire family had set up complete with a "cake" made out of platypus food and take him to something huge and wonderful. It would be great, of course. But sometimes Perry really missed when the boys treated him like their pet. They seemed to forget who he was sometimes. Sometimes Perry didn't want to talk or walk on two legs or play video games or write things down. He wanted to curl up in a lap, or be cuddled, or throw up on the rug.

And to top it all off, his birthday would mark another year he had been alive. Another year older.

And everyone else would get older.

Perry kept remembering how little the boys had been when he had first come home with them. They kept getting bigger every year. Ferb was even starting to talk more. Soon they'd start dating people, like Candace had. They'd find someone and forget all about Perry. They'd get older and move out. And then they'd start their own lives with their own families.

They would move away.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Perry wished he could tell someone how he felt. But he didn't know how. He somehow couldn't get the words out. He had almost talked about it with Lowe. It had seemed like it was going to be easy. But it wasn't. Talking about it would have made it feel more real. So he talked about the part that wasn't so painful. Missing the past. Not wanting to get any older.

And he couldn't complain about it to the boys. They'd insist it wouldn't happen. They'd insist they'd stay home forever. They'd say they would never grow up because they had promised not to.

Perry couldn't stand being lied to.

So he could only partially complain.

"I'm getting old." He muttered to himself.

 _And so are you two._

Perry sighed and pushed the button again. The notes of _Row, Row, Row Your Boat_ slowly forced their way through the little speaker on the side of the playpen.

* * *

"You look terrible." Darren said.

"Hm?" Perry could barely keep his eyes open. He hoped he'd at least wake up a little bit by the time he finished his coffee.

"You sleep at all last night?" Darren asked.

"Yeah. About two hours." Perry propped himself up against the counter. "I'll be okay. I just need…"  
"You look like you got dragged through a hedge backwards." Darren said.

"I never understood that expression." Perry yawned. "Why backwards? Pretty sure dragging someone forward through a hedge would have the same effect."

"The question is, why drag someone through a hedge in the first place?" Peter asked.

"To get to the other side!" Clara the chicken snapped as she walked past.

"Are you still sore about that?" Darren rolled his eyes. "I said I was sorry. Hey, at least it was a funny joke."

Clara ruffled her feathers. "Chicken jokes are not funny, Darren."

"Neither are platypus jokes." Perry took a sip of coffee. "Duck jokes. Now those are funny."

"They are not." Darren said.

"Why did Darren get sent to the insane asylum? Because he's quacked." Perry said.

"All right, Perry. Very funny." Darren glared at him. "I get it. This is payback for the onion rings thing, isn't it?"

"Why did Darren get fired from his job at the doctor's office? Because he was a quack." Perry said.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Peter jumped up. "What does Darren eat with soup?"

"Quackers." Perry said.

They started to laugh.

"Fine, fine." Darren slammed his empty mug on the counter and left the room. "Laugh it up."

"It's too fun to mess with Darren." Perry said.


	5. Chapter 5

"Food. Of. The. Gods." Perry placed his tray of egg noodles next to Darren and sat down. "Ever since the O.W.C.A started serving this, I have a reason to start buying lunch again."

Darren was looking at his phone. "I thought the food of the gods was ambrosia."

"Egg noodles are ambrosia. They've been put into a form that mortals can eat. Why are you staring at your phone as if it were Serah with an E-H?"

"I just got a new app called Laterpix."

"So now you're looking at filtered pictures Serah has taken in front of the bathroom mirror?"

"Yes- I mean, no! Ugh. Perry."

"I don't get why people are so addicted to that." Perry said. "Like, no one wants to know what your food looks like before you eat it."

"I have twenty followers already." Darren bragged.

"I have five hundred sixty seven." Pinky said nonchalantly.

Darren stared at him. "What? How…"

"Chicks dig Chihuahuas, apparently." Pinky said.

"Oh, please." Perry rolled his eyes.

"No, really." Pinky held up his phone. "All of my followers are baby chicks. I don't know why they decided to follow me."

Perry read Pinky's list of followers. "Cheepcheep49… ChickyCheap… Chickalicious… PeeperandProud…"

"Ooh, I have a new follower." Darren said. "Berrypam15."

"Goody for you." Perry said.

"I'm gonna check out her profile." Darren tapped the screen a few times. "Hey, she's a platypus. Like you, Perry. Hey, she's cute."

"That's lovely, Darren. Now quit creepily stalking random people's pages."

"It says her name's Pamela Vantier."

"What?" Perry grabbed Darren's phone. "Give me that."

"You know her or something?" Darren asked.

 _PROFILE: BERRYPAM15_

 _Pamela Vantier_

 _Platypus J_

 _Pls follow twistedmayhem he's great_

 _I 3 music and skateboarding_

"Who the heck is Twistedmayhem?" Perry snapped. "Who even thinks up a username as stupid as Twistedmayhem? It doesn't even MEAN anything! Like Lightlyshiftingskies or Coffeetornadoes. I hate those stupid usernames that MEAN NOTHING."

"My username is Lightlyshiftingskies." Carrie said shyly.

"No offense." Perry said.

"Follow me if you want." Carrie said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Calm down, Perry." Darren said.

"No." Perry growled.

"What's wrong?" Darren asked. "You know her?"

"Yes, I know her. She's my daughter."  
The entire table was quiet for a moment.  
" _Her_?" Darren pointed at the profile picture. " _That's_ little Pam?"

"Yes. And won't SOMEONE tell me who the heck is Twistedmayhem?"

"Dang. I'm sorry, Perry." Darren took his phone back. "I guess that's why she asked to follow me. I won't add her back if you don't want me to."

Perry felt like crying. He slammed his head down onto the table.

"Haven't seen them in a while?" Darren asked.

"No."

Darren touched the screen a few more times. "Don't worry, Perry. Twistedmayhem is Pal. I just checked. Palmer Vantier. That's him, right?"  
Perry felt significantly better. "Yeah. Her brother."

"Wanna see? He grew up a lot since the last time I saw him."

"No." Perry still felt terrible. He was furious with himself for missing so much of his children's lives. But it wasn't like he could just go down and visit them anytime. He'd see them and they'd be older. Every time. They'd be different. And every time, he would always regret not seeing them for so long.

He wasn't going to cry. Not here. He'd have to find some other way to get rid of the tight feeling in his chest.

Perry grabbed Darren's phone and began messing with it.

"What are you doing?" Darren grabbed for it. "Give that back!"

"I'm hacking Ernest's Laterpix. What do you think his password is? Flittering eagle?"  
"Perry, give me my phone back."

"I guessed it. It was O.W.C.A. Ha, look. He took a bunch of bathroom mirror photos. I shall remember this moment forever."

"Perry…"

"Time to like all of his ex's beach vacation photos."

"Perry, Ernest is going to kill you."

"He won't even know it was me." Perry said. "Besides, we know he secretly likes these photos anyway."

"You should probably also comment on them." Phire the skunk suggested.

"Good idea. Otherwise, how will his ex know how much he likes these photos? Hashtag: You are amazing. Hashtag: Cutie in a bathing suit-ie. Hashtag: I'm such a loser."

"Hashtag: You're digging a huge grave for yourself and I am NOT sharing the blame." Darren said.

"Relax. I did this to Candace once and didn't get caught. Hm. Now what photo of Ernest shall we post for Throwback Thursday?"

Darren grabbed his phone and logged out of Ernest's account. "You wanna do this, you do it with your OWN phone."

"Question: When our generation gets all old, will it become Throw-Your-Back-Out Thursday?"

"Eat your egg noodles." Darren stuffed his phone in his pocket and stormed away.

* * *

Perry rang the bell on the desk of the O.W.C.A Resort and Spa repeatedly.

"Yes, Perry, I'll be right with you." A voice said.

Perry continued to ring the bell.

Sven the seagull came out from a room behind the desk and swiped the bell away. "Sorry." Perry said. "I like the dingy noise."

Sven took an ice cube from the pouch around his neck and rubbed it into his wings. "Good to see you again, bud. How have you been?"

"Better."

"That's good."

"I thought 'I've been better' was a negative thing."

Sven laughed. "Are you seriously not doing well or have you just been waiting to say that?"  
"Just been waiting. I need a haircut. Do you have time?"

"Yes. It's a slow day." Sven pointed at a turtle putting coin after coin into the vending machine near the door. "He's the only customer I've had, and he seems to be taking care of himself fine."

"Terry does that with all machines that dispense something. He mistakes them for arcade games. One time he discovered the ATM machine and withdrew all the money from his account thinking he was winning free money. He probably thinks he's playing some game with soda for prizes."

"Should I tell him?"

"Nah. Preserve his innocence."

"Have a seat in the other room. I'll be right with you."

"Having fun, Terry?" Perry asked.

Terry grinned at him. "I'm getting so good at this game! I keep winning every time!"

"You're gonna go places in life, Terry." Perry said. "Not necessarily good places, but places."

Terry shrugged and turned his attention back to the vending machine.

Perry went into the other room. He turned one of the plastic chairs so that it wasn't facing the mirror and sat down.

Sven entered moments later and sighed.

"Bud, you know it's twenty times harder for me to cut your hair backwards, right?"

"I don't like looking at myself. It's awkward."

"Don't blame me if it doesn't turn out perfect." Sven grabbed a plastic sheet from the drawer underneath the mirror and draped it over Perry. "You wanting any sort of style, or…?"

"Just a trim."

"Three words all hairdressers hate."

"I only have three hairs anyway. What were you planning on doing? Making one curly and the other ones wavy? Or making them all teeny and stubby?"

"I was referring to all of your fur." Sven smiled. "You know I don't mind. Shampoo and trim will come to about ten bucks."

"So long as you throw a dry in there."

"Might as well. Sit back. Relax."

"Why do you always say that? Are you trying to make your clients let their guard down so you can cut their head off? Are you secretly Sweeney Todd?"

"Never cared much for pie." Sven said. "Tilt your head back for me, bud."

"I'll start calling you Sveeney Todd. It's easier to say than Sven. I think whoever invented your name didn't know how to spell 'seven'."

"It's Norse. It means 'Boy' or 'Man'." Sven said.

"That couldn't be more off."

"I know, right?" Sven applied some shampoo to his wing and began rubbing it into Perry's fur.

"Do you happen to know what my name means?"

"Traveler. Wanderer." Sven said. "Or pear tree."

"Great. So Doof wasn't totally off with the partridge thing."

"I think it may have originally been a last name for someone who worked with pear trees." Sven said. "But I don't know. I'll have to check."

"I'm named after a pear. I feel so special."

"You're also a traveler."

"Kinda. Do you know a lot of name meanings?"

"Yes. I like to see how well people's names fit them. Not as an obsessive thing. Just for fun."

"Cool hobby." Perry agreed. "Aside from murdering people for pie, I mean."

Sven rubbed Perry with a towel. "So, someone's got a birthday coming up soon."

"Yep. Your mom."

"You're not excited?"

"Not really." Perry sighed. "Why should anyone be excited about getting older?"

"More possibilities." Sven picked up a pair of scissors. "More freedoms."

"What, like being able to go on Disney Channel dot com without parents' permission? Turning on the stove without help from a grown-up? Crossing the street without holding a grown-up's hand?"

"No one ever went on Disney Channel dot com _with_ parents' permission." Sven said.

"I remember once when Phineas was little." Perry said. "Linda wouldn't let him eat cookies until he'd had his dinner, so he tried to run away from home. He just stood at the doorstep crying for an hour because he wasn't allowed to leave home by himself."

"Animals didn't have to worry about time before humans came along." Sven said. "We used to live in the now. But now we always worry about the past and later on. Humans invented years and days and seconds."

"Yeah, but they also invented egg noodles, so they're not all bad. I just don't want to grow old. And I don't want the boys to grow old, either."

"You want them to stay little forever? Crying at the doorstep?"

Perry laughed. "No. I want them to stay the way they are now."

"You'll love them just as much as you do now, no matter how old they get." Sven said.

"Yeah. But I'll always miss how they were before."

"You've still got time, bud." Sven ran a comb through Perry's hair a few times. "Don't worry."

"I can't help worrying."

Sven turned the chair around to face the mirror. "What do you think?"

"Thanks. I hate it. I'm suing you." Perry took off the plastic sheet and handed Sven ten dollars. "Thanks so much, Sven. It was starting to get in my face."

"No problem." Sven said. "Come by any time you need anything."

"Okay. I need fifty bucks."

Sven grinned. "I missed you, bud. Seriously. Don't be a stranger."


	6. Chapter 6

Perry attempted to pick the lock on the bread-shaped trap.

"Don't bother." Doofenshmirtz said. "I zapped it with my anti-lock-pickinator. That trap is inescapable, Perry the platypus. Even for you. You look different today. Did you get a haircut? It looks good. Actually it doesn't look much different. You're just a little less fluffy. ANYWAY. Let me tell you about my latest scheme. See, it all started when I went down to Danville Supermarket to buy some pomegranates to make a Pomegranate Pomegranate Pomegranate Pomegranate Pomegranate Pomegranate Pie."

Perry raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, yes. You've never heard of those, have you? Well, you see, back in Drusselstein, we used to go down to the general store and buy different fruits to all throw together in a pie. For instance, one time Roger brought some pears, peaches, lemons, limes and cherries home, so we made Pear Peach Lemon Lime Cherry Pie. Sounds kind of disgusting, doesn't it? Well, you're right, it was. That's why I always got pomegranates when it was my turn to go to the store. Pomegranate Pomegranate Pomegranate Pomegranate Pomegranate Pomegranate Pie was so much better than Pear Peach Lemon Lime Cherry Pie. But I'm getting off topic. Anyway, this morning I went down to Danville Supermarket to get some pomegranates, and there weren't any! So I asked the shopper customer helpy guy where they were, and he said Danville Supermarket didn't sell pomegranates anymore because more people were buying bread! Can you believe that, Perry the platypus?"

"Yes." Perry said.

"No, I'm not letting you out of the trap. So anyway, I created: THE NOMOREBREADINATOR! Say goodbye to bread everywhere!"

Doofenshmirtz pressed the button on the side of his inator. Perry's trap vanished.

"I didn't think that through." Doofenshmirtz said.

Perry grabbed Doofenshmirtz and swung him into a lamp. He ran toward the nomorebreadinator. Doofenshmirtz grabbed his tail. Perry kicked his hand away.

Perry ran over to the inator and pushed it over. It blew into hundreds of tiny pieces.

The bread trap reappeared around Doofenshmirtz.

"CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!" Doofenshmirtz yelled.

* * *

"I found a bunch of teal balloons." Pinky said. "It was really hard. But they'll be perfect. Perry will love them."

"And I got the cake all ordered. They'll bake it in the morning so it'll be ready for his birthday." Darren said.

"And I contacted my cousin who works at Disney to see if he can get ahold of Mickey Mouse." Peter said. "And he says he can get us discounted tickets.

"…Okay." Darren said. "Now, what should we do for dinner? Since Perry loves egg noodles, maybe we should…"

"Here he comes!" Pinky whispered. "Shh!"

"Anyone up for some Pomegranate Pomegranate Pomegranate Pomegranate Pomegranate Pomegranate Pie?" Perry approached the group.

"What strange new inside jokes have you created today?" Darren folded his arms.

"That's for me to know and you to be confused about. So, whatcha guys doin'?"

"Nothing." All three agents said in unison.

Perry narrowed his eyes. "O…kay. If you say so."

"Oh good. Some agents." Avery the anteater handed Perry a large folder. "Would you deliver this to Ernest, please?"

Perry sighed. "I should have known it was gonna be that kind of day."

"Sorry?" Avery asked.

"Never mind. Sure. Fine. Whatever. I'll deliver it."

"Thank you." Avery said. "I'm swamped. Lodi Land was supposed to help me sort papers, but she never showed up."

"That's not a surprise." Perry said.

Avery had already walked away. Pinky, Darren and Peter watched Perry carefully.

"Have fun doing nothing… I guess." Perry said. He turned and headed toward the cubicles.

When he arrived at Ernest's cubicle, he found Ernest sitting at his computer. Perry snuck up behind him.

"POMEGRANATES!"

Ernest jumped and whirled around. Perry burst into laughter.

"What are you DOING, Agent?" Ernest snapped.

"De-delivering a file!" Perry couldn't stop laughing. He shakily handed the folder to Ernest. "W-what, you don't like pomegranates?"

Ernest glared at Perry and slammed the folder down on his desk. "I have had just about all I can take from you, Agent. Stop laughing. Stop."

Perry wiped his eyes and turned to leave.

"I haven't dismissed you. Where are you going?"

"I came here on my own accord. You didn't call me in. I'm going to see Monogram about taking a day off."

"He doesn't have that jurisdiction anymore. He passed it on to me."

Perry froze. He slowly turned to look at Ernest, who was smirking.

"That's right, Agent. Sit down."

Perry slumped down on the couch at the end of the cubicle.

"Well?" Ernest said.

"Um… you see… in two days…"

"You see SIR." Ernest said.

Perry winced. "You see, sir… it's my birthday in two days… sir."

"And?" Ernest said coldly.

Perry's heart sank. He could tell he wasn't going to win this one. Ernest was enjoying it too much.

"…It's my birthday, sir."

"Happy birthday." Ernest sat back down at his computer. "I think we're done with this discussion."

"You're just…" Perry was shaking with anger. "You're just a flat-out jerk. There's no way around that."

"You are dismissed." Ernest said.

Perry wanted to hit him. But he didn't.

Instead he stood up and walked out of the cubicle, trying very hard not to cry.

"Stupid… Ernest Everett Flitterly… idiot Flittering Eagle who can't even keep his head on straight-"

Someone grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and spun him around. Ernest was suddenly facing him.

"What did you just say?" Ernest whispered.

He didn't seem angry. He seemed nervous. As if he thought Perry knew something.

Perry could work with this.

He smiled innocently. "What do you think I said?"

Ernest looked very panicked now. He drew Perry close to his face.

"Don't tell anyone, and I mean it… if you tell anyone… I'll…"

"You'll what?" Perry was pleased to be in control now.  
"Y…you wanted a day off in two days, right? Y… you can check with Monogram about that. I was… kidding. It was a joke." Ernest gritted his teeth. "I was going to tell you that later. So… we're good, right?"

"Hm. Maybe I'll forget it. For now, at least." Perry gave him a smug grin and released himself from Ernest's grip. "I've gotta go see Monogram."

He walked away. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Ernest watching him.

He wished he really _did_ know what it was he'd said that had freaked Ernest out so much.

Perry was pretty sure that whatever it was, it would make him laugh.

* * *

Perry went into the backyard.

Ferb was fiddling with a giant piano. Phineas was looking down at him from the top of it.

"Good, Ferb. Just tighten that string a little more. Oh, there you are, Perry!"

"Perrybear." Ferb said.

"Berrypear." Phineas said.

"My name actually does mean 'Pear'." Perry said. He scratched his ear with his back foot. "So, you guys made a giant piano?"

"No… oh, it does look like a piano, doesn't it?" Phineas patted his invention fondly. "Funny how that happens. No, it's a giant air machine. It's going to pump air into a big inflatable cake balloon that we made for your birthday. The balloon will float over the tri-state area all day on your birthday."

"Unless a bird with a sharp beak flies into it and pops it." Ferb said.

"You guys are too sweet." Perry said.

"I got the idea because I remembered this show I used to watch on TV when I was little. It was called Tracy McGhee and it was about this lion who sings songs. There was one episode when Tracy McGhee was having a birthday party and his friends made him a cake, but it was inflatable because it was a live show. I was really sad because they didn't eat the cake at all in the live show. They just deflated it after everyone went offstage."

"Well, of course they couldn't eat it." Perry said. "It was a balloon."

"Oh, I knew that." Phineas said. "But I wanted them to eat it. I wanted to see it pop when Tracy McGhee bit it."

"Phineas was a strange child." Ferb said.

"Are you getting more excited for your birthday, Perry?" Phineas asked.

"Yes, no, maybe so." Perry said. "Hey, Candace left her phone out here. I'm gonna change the names of all her contacts."

"Aw." Phineas climbed down from the piano. "Why not?"

"It's just gonna be the same as it is every year." Perry said. "Congratulations. You survived another year. I changed Jeremy's name to Tracy McGhee. Your name is Darth Kiki, Ferb."

Ferb beamed.

"Jenny is Carlos the Caring Clown… Buford is gonna be Jeremy… hehe, I hope Candace doesn't decide to text him. The results will be interesting. And Phineas, you can be Linda. Enjoy getting a bunch of calls every time you build something.

"There it is!" Candace slid open the screen door and snatched the phone away from Perry. "Give me that!"

She looked up at the piano invention and grinned. "You two are so busted. I'm calling mom!"

She ran back into the house. A few seconds later, Phineas's cell phone started ringing.

"You gonna get that?" Perry asked.

"Perry, what's bothering you?" Phineas asked. "We really want you to be happy. But we can't do anything if we don't know what's wrong."

"We were going to wait until your birthday to give you the sports car, but…" Ferb said.

"It's not that." Perry looked down at the ground. "I just…"

The boys watched him.

Perry took a deep breath. "I just don't want you guys to grow up, okay?"

"Us?!" Phineas looked at Ferb, who shrugged. "Perry, what does this have to do with your birthday?"

"I'm getting older. You're getting older too. You'll finish middle school. High school. Move away. I'll just be here… getting older and older… all alone… and…" Perry hid his face in his paws.

"But Perry, we aren't gonna grow up." Phineas said. "We promised."

"It's not something you can promise your way out of. It's happening. And you aren't gonna care about your childhood promises when you're older. You grow out of them. They mean nothing."

"Don't say that." Phineas wrapped his arms around Perry. "Of course they mean something. I've never grown out of any of my important old stuff. Except clothes."

"There comes a time when one's head no longer fits through a certain shirt." Ferb said. "Especially _our_ heads."

"Everything's just going too fast." Perry buried his head in Phineas's shirt. "It needs to slow down. I barely see you two. I'm always at work. I barely see my kids. They're all grown up now. They probably won't even remember me anymore. And Doofenshmirtz…"

Perry tried to think of something to say about Doofenshmirtz. But he couldn't.

Come to think of it, Doofenshmirtz still acted the same way he had through all of Perry's life. He hadn't changed any. He didn't have any more growing to do. And his personality was the same it had always been. Perry couldn't imagine him changing even as he got much, much older. He'd probably stay childlike his whole life.

"…I'll always have him." Perry said. "At least I'll always have him."

"And us, Perry." Phineas said. "We're not going anywhere."

"Not yet." Perry said.

"We're not." Phineas said firmly. "We're here now. And we always will be."

"And so will my cow." Ferb said.

Perry laughed a little. He sat up and wiped his nose on his arm.

"Did that catharsis finally give you enough energy to be excited about your birthday?" Phineas asked.

"You know what? I think… maybe… it did." Perry smiled.

Phineas's phone rang again.  
"Poor Candace." Perry said. "Wonder how long it's gonna take her to realize what happened."


	7. Chapter 7

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"

"HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

"BIRTHDAAYYY!"

Perry snapped out of his dream and covered his face with his Snugglebear. "Go away."

"But Perrybear, it's your birthday." Phineas rubbed Perry's back.

"Berrypear." Ferb said.

"What time is it?" Perry grumbled. His head hurt. He wanted to go back to sleep.

"Five in the morning." Phineas said.

"Phineas, just because an hour says 'In The Morning' at the end of it doesn't mean you're supposed to be awake during that time."

"We have to have your first party before mom and dad get up." Phineas said.

"So we have to wake up at a time before dinosaurs were invented? Phinny, I'm tired. I had a twenty-four hour workday the day before yesterday. This is the only sleep I've gotten since then."

"But it's your birthday. Aren't you excited?"

"I want sleep. Be quiet."

"Come on." Phineas picked Perry up. "Come see what Ferb and I did."

"I hate you."

"You're not allowed to be grumpy on your birthday." Ferb said.

"It's my party and I'll complain if I want to." Perry said.

The boys took Perry downstairs and sat him down in one of the kitchen chairs. Perry tried to wake up a little bit.

"Happy birthday!" Phineas pointed at the kitchen table.

There were cards and gifts all over the table, surrounding a huge teal cake. Tiny fireworks were somehow exploding over the cake. Balloons floated around the kitchen. One balloon hit the ceiling and began to play _Row, Row, Row Your Boat_.

"Happy birthday to the best platypus in the tri-state area." Phineas said.

"And the world." Ferb said.

Perry smiled a little. He wished he were more awake. "Thanks, boys. You're the best."  
"We made you a sock monkey." Phineas said. "Because you kept talking about them."

"I did?" Perry asked.

"Huh. Maybe that was a dream I had. Oh well." Phineas reached behind one of the presents and handed Perry a little knitted sock monkey. It was wearing a tiny hat. "We didn't make him out of actual socks, though. Ferb knitted him and I made the hat."

Perry held the sock monkey against his cheek. It fit perfectly in his hand.

He wasn't sure why he loved the feel of it so much.

"I love him. Thank you so much."

Candace came into the kitchen. "Phineas, why'd you set my alarm clock to go off so early?"

"So you could join us for Perry's birthday party." Phineas said.

"Let's have cake." Ferb said.

"It's chocolate cake." Phineas said. "Your favorite."

"Yay." Perry yawned. He was finally starting to wake up a little. "Thanks, guys."

Ferb started to put the candles on the cake. "How old are you again?"

"That number's good."

"Make a wish." Phineas said. "Birthday wishes always come true."

"Not always." Ferb said. "One year I wished for a robot cow."

"We built a bunch of them last summer." Phineas said.

"Oh. I guess they do always come true."

"Just blow them out already before the candles melt all over the cake." Candace said.

Perry closed his eyes and thought very hard about what to wish for.

"Don't wish for something like a potato falling on my head." Candace said.

"Dang." Perry said.

He thought up another wish and blew out the candles.

Spit flew through the air. Phineas ducked.

"Sorry." Perry wiped his mouth. "Still had a little bit of drool. This is why you shouldn't wake me up before the twenty-first century begins."

"Ew." Candace said. "Now the cake has slobber all over it."

"Yum." Perry said. "Socky and I both just agreed that I should get the biggest piece."

"Did you seriously name the sock monkey Socky?" Candace asked.

"Put a sock in it, Candace." Perry said.

* * *

"How'd you guys manage to get in this place without a reservation?" Perry asked.

"Peter's cousin or whatever works at Disney." Darren said.

"Sweet. I try to get in here every time I come, but I've only managed it twice. And I come a whole ton."

"You're not sick of Disney, are you?" Pinky asked.

"Heck, no. I could never be sick of it." Perry fondly patted his egg noodles with his fork. "I love this place. And this is my favorite Disney restaurant, too."

"I'm glad." Pinky said. "Happy birthday, Perry."

"Where's Peter?" Devon asked. "He was here a second ago."

"Probably went to ask the waiter about bringing the cake out." Darren smiled at Perry.

"Awesome. So long as they don't sing some stupid birthday song and crown me with Mickey ears."

"Well, gosh darnit, Bobby Jane." Said a voice. "That there is that platypus whose life we done saved back when the air was fine."

"Oh no." Perry muttered. "Not them. How the heck do they manage to keep showing up…"

"Who?" Darren asked.

Two beavers approached their table. The larger one stood up on its hind legs.

"Well, I'll be hecky-darned, Johnny Sue. It sure done is, sure as the cornfields in the west."

"Well, tie my socks to an anteater and bake me a pie, what are the odds, Bobby Jane?"

"I sure don't know, Johnny Sue. I sure don't know."

"Why are you guys here?" Perry asked. "Don't you have some TV special to film or something?"

"Our TV series was all right and fine and all." Bobby Jane shrugged. "But Johnny Sue and I… we had them bigger plans. So we done found work here at this here Animal Kingdom. We done get to work as beavers in that there exhibit down the road. It's a right fine job."

"A little birdie done told us it was your birthday." Johnny Sue informed him.

"And by little birdie, we done mean panda bear." Bobby Jane said. "He done know your friend Peter, sure as the moon rises in the daytime sky."

"It doesn't." Perry said.

"Well, Bobby Jane and I done wish you the best birthday if there ever was one." Johnny Sue said. "From our deepest dang souls. Deep as a well in an oak tree."

"Thanks. Now please go away." Perry said.

"I'm right sure we'll meet again, platypus." Bobby Jane said. "Sure as the cornfields in the west."

"Yeah." Perry stuffed a forkful of egg noodles into his mouth. "Sure. Fine. Whatever."

The two beavers padded away.

"Who are those guys?" Pinky asked.

"Of all the people to be stuck in life-debt to…" Perry shook his head. "Forget them. Let's just focus on right now. Thanks, guys. I wasn't really excited at all for my birthday. But now… after this morning with the boys… and an afternoon with my family… and now this… I really couldn't be happier. Thank you."

"No problem, Perry." Darren said.

"Happy birthday!" Carrie said shyly.

"Oh, here comes Peter." Pinky said. "Did you tell them to bring chocolate cake?"

"Oh, I forgot about the cake." Peter said. "I was too busy finding a friend."

"A friend?" Darren asked.

"Happy birthday, pal!" Said a voice.

Darren, Pinky, Devon and Carrie all looked at the spot behind Perry. Their faces were pale.

Peter looked proud of himself.

Perry had no idea what was going on.

After a moment, he finally turned around.

...

"You're…" Darren sputtered. "You're… Peter, how…"

"My cousin's connected." Peter said.

"But… it's just not possible!" Darren said.

"Ha, ha! Anything's possible with a little magic!" Mickey Mouse said, sitting down next to Perry. "So, are you having a magical birthday so far?"

"…I don't understand what's happening." Darren shook his head. "Mickey… if you exist… why do… why are there people in Mickey costumes?"

"Well, I can't be everywhere at once." Mickey said, taking a french fry from Carrie's plate. Carrie flinched. "But I won't get into all that. We've got a super-special birthday over here! How old are ya, pal, if you don't mind me asking?"

"…Too old." Perry said. He didn't really know how to react. The world's most famous mouse sitting right next to him, bumming french fries off his colleague.

Mickey laughed. "I hear ya, pal."

"Why did you invite him again?" Carrie asked, looking a little distressed over the loss of her french fry.

"Because nothing says Happy Birthday like a mouse in red pants." Peter said.

"I thought the expression was 'Nothing says Totally Tools like a snail in a fedora'." Mickey shrugged. "Well, ya learn somethin' new every day!"

"I can't believe you actually... somehow... got _Mickey Mouse_ to tell Perry happy birthday." Darren said.

"I said I would." Peter sat down. "I never go back on my promises."

"Happy birthday, Perry." Pinky said.

"Wow. Two cakes in one day, a sock monkey, balloons, and… Mickey Mouse exists. I don't really think there's anything else that could possibly happen to make today better."

Suddenly their table was surrounded by waiters clapping their hands.

"Oh no." Perry put his hands over his face. "Please. Not a birthday song. That's NOT making today better."

"Happy happy birthday!" The waiters sang. "Cake for you! Cake to help you make all of your wishes come true!"

Mickey clapped along. Perry tried to see if he could melt into the table.

Finally the waiters finished their song and placed a slice of cake in front of him.

"Make a wish." Mickey said. "It's certain to come true."

"I wish to never have to hear a restaurant birthday song ever again." Perry said.

"A real wish, Perry." Pinky said.

"It's my birthday. I can make any wish I want to."

"I gotta go." Mickey stood up. "Goofy and Donald are waiting for me to help start the fireworks. I hope the rest of your birthday is incredibly magical and filled with dreams come true!"

"Wait, _Goofy and Donald_ exist too?" Darren said.

"Of course they do, Darren." Peter said. "Why wouldn't they?"

"...Thanks, Mickey." Perry said. "Nice of you to take the time to stop by."  
"Anytime, pal." Mickey patted him. "When I heard the pet of Phineas and Ferb was having a birthday here… well, gosh, I was so excited!"

"…You know the boys?" Perry asked.

"Of course. They helped build a lot of our newest attractions. And they might even sign on for a television series! Anyway, sorry I can't stick around."

"That's okay. I think Darren's mind is about to explode anyways." Perry said. "He's been holding that soup spoon in the air for quite some time now."

"Have a wonderful day!" Mickey skipped away. Darren watched him leave.

"You okay, Darren?" Perry asked.

"Yeah… fine." Darren shook his head. "Just fine."

"He must be starstruck." Peter said.

"…In a sense." Darren said.

"Monogram's got a bunch of stuff waiting for you at the agency, too." Pinky said. "We can go there whenever you want. And Doofenshmirtz left a note on your door. Apparently he mailed a gift and it didn't fit through the agency mail tube, so it's sitting outside the O.W.C.A."

"I think I kind of wanna stay here for a while." Perry said. "If that's okay."

"Of course." Devon said. "It's your choice. It's your birthday."

"Are you gonna burn that candle down to the cake?" Darren asked.

Perry looked down at his slice of cake. He had completely forgotten about it.

He thought of a second wish and blew out the candle.

Everyone clapped except for Darren.

Darren picked up a napkin and began to dry himself off.

"Sorry, Darren." Perry said. "My saliva's extra active today. I don't know what it is."


	8. Chapter 8

Perry woke up to find he was sitting in the middle of a theater. Onstage sat a family of animatronics.

"Did I miss something?" Perry asked.

"You fell asleep on Small, Small World." Phineas said.

"I definitely missed something." Perry said. "How did you two get here?"

"Devon also fell asleep on Small, Small World too and so the other agents took him home. They texted us to come be with you because they thought you might want to stay late. So we waited by the ride until your boat came around and then took you on the race cars. I can't believe you didn't wake up. Ferb was driving really crazy."

"My friends just abandoned me on a Disney ride while I was asleep? I could have been kidnapped!"

"And you were." Ferb said. "By us."

"Exactly! I am SO telling them off at work tomorrow…"

"Then we took you on the carousel." Phineas said. "You were so cute sleeping on the horse. And then we took you on the People Mover. We thought maybe the word 'Security Agent' would wake you up. They say it during the tour. But it didn't."

"No wonder Ernest was in my dream. What are we on now?"

"We're on the Carousel of Progress." Phineas said.

"Yay, progress." Ferb said.

"I vaguely remember this. It's with the random family, right? And they keep saying things can't get any better and then they do?"

"Yep." Ferb said.

"I wonder what would happen if I put your cotton candy in the dad's hand." Perry said. "And left it there."

"I would be very, very sad." Ferb said. "And most likely throw a tantrum."

"Ferb screams really loud." Phineas said. "Don't risk it."

The family onstage started to talk about their burned meal.

"Maybe one day in the future, Dad will learn how to control the stove." The mom said.

The family laughed.

"Don't worry, Dad." The son said. "One day everything will be so automated, you'll never have to cook another meal again."

"The end." Perry said.

The boys started to laugh.

The carousel spun around.

"Dang. I never got a chance to put something in the dad's hand." Perry said. "I'll remember next time. Maybe a pair of old boxer shorts. Wait, it's over already?"

The doors at the end of the carousel opened. The boys stood up.

"Yep." Phineas said. "You woke up right at the end."

"That was the end? Really? Everything was leading up to never cooking another meal again ever?"

"The end." Ferb grinned.

"Wow. I was just kidding."

"We still have two hours before Disney closes." Phineas said. "What should we do?"

They left the carousel and started to walk.

A moment later, a loud bang sounded in the distance. Perry turned around.

"Fireworks!" Phineas said.

The fireworks were beautiful. Perry had seen better, of course, living with the boys, but they were still wonderful to watch.

Suddenly a huge cake appeared in the sky.

"Hey! That's the cake balloon we made for your birthday!" Phineas said. "It must have finished floating over the tri-state area, and now it's coming here!"

The cake floated closer and closer.

"Is that a lion sitting on top of it?" Perry asked.

"A lion?" Phineas asked. "I don't remember making a lion. Ferb?"

Ferb shrugged.

The lion opened its jaws and bit into the cake balloon.

BANG!

The balloon exploded at the same time as one of the fireworks.

Smaller cakes started to rain down. The Disney guests cheered. A large chocolate cake landed in Perry's hands.

Phineas's eyes were huge. Perry felt terrible. The poor kid's creation had just been destroyed by some random lion.

"I… I can't believe it." Phineas said. "Tracy McGhee finally bit an inflatable cake!"

Perry and Ferb watched as Phineas danced through the falling cakes.

"His childhood dream has been fulfilled." Ferb said, catching a cupcake in his left hand.

"Apparently so." Perry said. "Thank you, Tracy McGhee."

"I time-travel a lot." Ferb said.

Perry didn't understand what that had to do with anything. He kept silent.

"Sometimes when I need a break." Ferb said. "Sometimes just to see dinosaurs. After you told us why you were upset, I traveled into the future. We do end up getting older."  
"Shocker." Perry said. He pretended to be focused on the cake in his hands.

"But we don't leave you, Perry, and we're not planning on it." Ferb said. "We take you with us sometimes. And even when you're without us, you seem happy. But even so, that's not happening now."

"I know." Perry said.

"Living in the now is hard." Ferb said. "But it can be done. Especially since you have a natural instinct. Humans taught you to think about the future and the past. Before you only had a present."

"I know." Perry said. "But I can't do that anymore."

"You kind of can." Ferb said.

"Maybe."

"Well, what do you make of this present?" Ferb asked.

Phineas was spinning around and laughing. There seemed to be no end to the falling cakes. The fireworks were becoming bigger and bigger. Ferb stuffed his cupcake in his mouth and ran to join his brother.

Perry closed his eyes.

 _Remember this moment. Remember it forever_.

He opened his eyes again and ran to the boys. They didn't stop dancing. They hoisted him up and hugged him between them.

The triumphant music played on. The fireworks continued to burst. The cakes continued to fall. Tracy McGhee finally landed next to the Carousel of Progress, his fall cushioned by a large sponge cake with the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY PERRY iced across the sides.

 _Remember this moment forever._

 _Even though it's weirdest moment I've ever experienced._


End file.
